perhaps perhaps perhaps

questions questions questions...

Lately I'm kinda a bit touchy with hm... how should I say it? Touchy with stuff that are supposed to be not so touchy. Make sense? Sounds good to me. If my emotion is a piece of cake, then I guess that piece of cake is already fucked and pulp up beyond any recognition. FUBAR. Oh did I mention to you that I'm writing this half awake? I think I walked like a good 8km around Frankfurt today. Oh I didn't tell you I'm in Frankfurt? Okay...now that you already know so that makes it a OK :)

I received my new addition of film SLR a few days ago. So today, is the baptism of fire for the camera. Finished 3 rolls of films. A Kodak finest grain 100 ( well, I'm half asleep so I guess I get to forget things ), porta 800 and centuria 200. Went out with this guy, we shall call him mister Duck. He is a big motivation and inspiration to me. His composition is so simple yet so nice. Should I dissect his brain? I...don't think that is a good idea too..and here I am with a film SLR... It's not embarrassing it's just feels weird. Can't wait to come back to process those films.

I can't help but noticed that Mobet is on a regular roller coaster ride recently. That's what I hate about new year. Same stuff happened last year. Can't we have like skip the whole emo ride and be sunny and shiny forever? Then again, I am not only a fair weather pilot. I fly through bad weather more often than not and I triumphantly ( "have to be so dramatic meh?" the nyonya shouted from the last row ) landed the aircraft.

They say if you don't have fear, you don't appreciate the things you have. They also say, if you don't fear of losing something, you don't love em enough. I kinda agree with that. BUT I hate this butterflies in my tummy. Yes, more than one. I think there's a whole village of butterflies in my tummy. Gosh, I think I need to do a cat scan pretty soon. I hate this feelings. The feelings of being unloved. Abandoned. I need love too. To be loved and cared for. Am I giving too much? Do I make you feel too comfy until you forgot to give but take? I don't want any of the worldly possessions. I just need you. I need your love.

...Felt like a puppy with a plague dying by the road side and nobody cares. Oh and picture that in black and white with thunderstorm hoovering on top of me...

Here are the things I wish for...

Talk to me, love me, tell me you love me, tell me you are faithful as I am. Say your deepest dirtiest secrets, you know I can take it.

Just like you, I need reassurance too.

happy new year and happy mobet's day

Wow, I can't believe it's 2011 already!! Now let's recap. Slept early on new year's eve cos I've gotta work on sunday morning the 1st of Jan. Bebet is off and I'm off to Sydney. Sickening...and that flight, my left hand man is Mister...we shall call him mister G.

There is nothing wrong with him except he work too hard, he is right 11 out of 10 times and you can't bullshit him on anything. Why oh why is that? Cos he is beyond sharp and spot on. I admire him although I can imagine it CAN be very hard to be on your toes all the bloody fucking time. Not to mention stressful. One thing he shared with me which I totally agree. He told me this :

laziness is a crime

procrastination is a very infectious virus

I totally agree with him. If you remember in my previous few posts, most if not all problems stem from laziness. Lazy to go further up ahead to make a legal U turn and make one illegal one? BAM! hit by a truck and die. Lazy to think about what you're gonna do tomorrow? wasted 24 hours of your life doing chickenshit. Lazy to think about your love ones? Wouldn't be surprise if you lose him/her pretty soon.

The latter, defined by wikipedia as..

In psychology, procrastination refers to the act of replacing high-priority actions or tasks with low-priority actions, and thus putting off important tasks to a later time

Pretty self explanatory if you ask me. Kinda a self reminder to yours truly as well. I'm a naturally lazy...no lemme rephrase, naturally lack of activity person. I do want to improve myself over the years but my main problem is I lacked motivation. So, if you ask me what is my new year resolution? I can simply say, I would wanna be a more hard working person and be less lazy. Gimme a break okay, I can't like lie to myself and say OK! I'm gonna be NOT lazy. Lemme ask you this, can you QUIT smoking? Like NOW? See? Oh by the way you don't have to answer that :)

Had a meaningful chat with Bebet via bbm last night. It's about person that we've been with. Gosh twice I disappointed Bebet. I want to be open to her. I have nothing to hide. I can sense her disappointment. I love her history and I really had a good time listening to bebet telling me her misadventures hehehe don't ask, I will NOT put it in writing :) but the thing is, since my ex days like many thousand days ago, I am mentally trained to not to bare all. Most of my ex partner "pretend" to be open and at the end of the day stab me back with my stories. I know Bebet won't do that to me. I know that so very much but it's just my defence mechanism kicks in. I need to be peel like an onions I guess. Layer after layer slowly and surely I will bare all. Really hope bebet will be able to do this.I need to be mentally 'safe' to tell my tales. Reassurance would be nice too. I want to bare all to her but I really don't know how. Now I understand how those people who can't find their way back feels like. Helpless... in the dark with flesh eating zombies all around, sigh...

Oh, today is our mini anniversary. Gosh, I've been married for quite sometime now. I still miss bebet so much, love bebet so much and wants bebet so much. I'm just not too happy about the depression of comparing our roster months in months out. It is such a hopeless situation where your day together are dictated by a few cunts and pricks in the office. Bebet is doing narrow body flights and with the company expanding like a cow having a fit, she is flying like a machine. Wake up, get ready, make up, pick up, reporting, fly fly fly and smoke smoke smoke, touch down, eat if possible, back pain, momot pick up back home, smoke, fuck if able sleep and repeat the whole charade.

But then, If, bebet quits her job, what would bebet do at home then? Sitting at home watching Kate and some kids +8 while eating her M & Ms and clicking her farmville, frontierville and cafe world? I wouldn't want her to waste her time like that. But then again the plus point is, If I'm still in 777 we would have more time together. decisions decisions decisions...

Guess the best thing is to get preggy and see from there on. Talking about that, I really think we should do something about it pretty soon. Tawaqqal and hopefully the BIG guy won't punish us too much...gosh have I used up all my luck?

Oh well, last but not least, happy new year to you. Peace be upon you my friends and my foes too. Hopefully 2011 will brings you better life, better health and better man/woman.

Amen